Monday, January 2, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A look back at 2011 and what it meant for me...
Well, for me 2011 was a year that no matter what, I will never forget. It started out really bad with the diagnoses of pancreatic cancer but in the wake of this I have not only learned a lot but have come a long way. I have heard so many times in my life that “people take so much for granted” but I never really thought of myself as a person who does this, I now know that this is not the case. It seems that during the last six months I have begun to see things in many different ways, much different than I did before. I am sure that it is the lurking thoughts of death in my subconscious that has brought this on but no matter, it has and is taking place every day of my life. I realize that I have been guilty of simply going through every day as if nothing really mattered and that hell, I can’t do anything to change things around me so I should not even bother with it. I have even gone as far as to believe that if I did indeed try to make a difference nobody would even notice or care so I do nothing. That thought, the thought of doing “nothing” is what began to bother me in the first place and everything else has spun out of this thought. I began to see myself as a person who has done nothing and I became worried about the thoughts that people would have of me after I am gone. What will my daughter really remember about me, what will Suzanne remember, my grandson, my friends, even my ex-wife, what would they think, what would they say if they were to say anything at all? Probably, nothing… Yea, that’s a hard one to swallow.
So, now what was I to do about this sad situation, these sad pitiful thoughts I was having of myself? Well I of course fell back on my basic theological teaching and took a hard look at myself using the Jesuit model of “self-examine” as taught by the Church. It calls for a rigorous examination with a basis that “Every Human has a Christian Heart” and in this thinking comes the simplicity of “what good have I done, what kind of person am I?” Now I realize that this opens a really huge Pandora’s Box here but I feel that I have no choice if I indeed wish to make my mark upon the lives of others in a positive way. I found that I was pretty much self-centered and selfish when it came to dealing with the lives of others and I was ashamed of myself so I made the decision to make myself into the best man I could possibly be. I realize that I will never have the chance to right all the wrongs of my past but I can make sure that when I am spoken of in this time frame I will be spoken of well by most (you can’t please everyone).
Another big change for 2012 will be my going back to work. Suzanne is not overly pleased with this plan but I have several reasons for doing this. 1. We need the money (which is normal considering the state of the economy). 2. I really do miss this part of my life, and 3. I really want to make a contribution to society and to assist others in the areas of their lives where my job applies. I have been thinking of this last year and my work with the non-profit ministry I worked for and I miss this. It was something that I had wanted to do for quite some time and I had it basically jerked out from under me with the diagnoses of cancer. I fully understand the state of my health and I admit there are indeed limitations as to what I can do but I believe that if I go about this endeavor as a “part-time” thing I will be able to function responsibly at the job of my choice. I have said many times of people who are physically impaired that they should not take on too much as they cannot fulfill their obligations as set for by their employment and that they can create hardships for those that they work with. I accept this and I will act accordingly by being honest with those that are dependent upon me for my role in the work place. This is not too much to ask and I honestly believe it will be beneficial to both my physical and psychological health in the long run.
So, 2011 was a year of major change for me and it will go on through 2012 and I pray beyond. I must also say that not all of 2011 was a wash as I met Suzanne this past year and was blessed with a feeling of love that I have never felt for anyone before in my life. I have had my share of “girlfriends” in the past and I have to admit that there were ones that I have loved but not in the same total way that I love Suzanne. Experiencing an over-fifty, mature love is a wonderful thing and I have developed a strong respectful way of interacting with her life. I have a new sense of love for family, a new sense of responsibility and a new way of seeing the people I interact with. This to me is a really big thing and this too I pray lasts for many years. So all in all 2011 was a very “different” kind of year for me and one that will stand alone in my memory for the rest of my life. God has shown me that without a doubt even the worst of things can become a dream come true if you are honest with yourself and approach things in a responsible manner. For me, change has become a good thing and I am now embracing it as never before so I encourage all of you, embrace change and make the best of it, it can indeed become your best friend!
May God Bless you all in 2012 and may all of your dreams come true!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
My Personal Fight with Cancer, that Monster in the closet… Part 2
You know, a lot of us believe our lives to be mundane at best but in this day and age with all the social media and such we go through some type of change every day. People share ideas with us, include us in their private lives and supply us with information we never gave any thought to. I too believed my life to be uneventful and downright boring until that day back in January when I was told that I have pancreatic cancer and that my life would never be the same.
As I have stated before, my first thoughts were of my daughter and my grandson and how my death would affect them. What memories my grandson Jack would have of me, what impact have I really had on my daughter’s life. In-fact, there was a flood of thoughts that went through my mind that afternoon but when that rush of thoughts cleared and I realized that the lives of my family would go on no matter what I began to think of these really simple things….. What have “I” done? What have “I” truly accomplished? Have “I” left my mark on anyone or anything at all and would “I” be remembered? My idiotic mind first came up with the idea to have a really fantastic headstone placed on my grave, something that would be noticed by anyone who walked through the cemetery but hell, that even sounded ridiculous to me once the thought was completed!
This last year has been nothing but changes for me. When all of this started I was pretty much alone visiting with my daughter and grandson and working all the time. I really had no big responsibilities in my life and I had just begun as diretor of Firm Foundation Ministries. Oh I was busy and to my thinking at the time, happy so what more did I need except an answer to this cancer delima? Well God had other plans as He usually does and He began moving me in a diretion that would prove wonderful for me. Now don’t get me wrong here, I never said that living alone, working at the job you always wanted and pretty much feeling free were setbacks or a mundane existance. When you are living solo you can explore many new things and go places without the need to take anyone else’s needs or wants into account, hell you just do it! Well this was not going to be the direction I was headed nor was I going to do just what I damn well pleased, as I said, God had plans so in March He shuffled the deck and dealt me a new hand.
I had been friends with a lady here in Cabot for about a year interacting online and talking on the phone. I must say that yes, I was attracted to her from the start but just did not have the courage to act on it. Well in March of this year all that changed when we met for the first time…… Hmmmm, I had found someone to share my life with but how was I supposed to do this with the damn cancer haning over my head? Needless to say this worried me to death and I had no previous knowledge to fall back on for answers. It was then that I decided to simply turn this over to God and let Him point the way. I told Suzanne about the cancer and of course she was very concerned for both her and myself and what the future may hold or if there was even gioing to be a future. So we began to see each other on a regular basis and we enjoyed our time with one another. We ran around all over the place visiting here and there getting to know one another and meet each others family. Suzanne of course fell in love with my grandson Jack and I believe the feeling was indeed mutual. My daughter and her new husband Terry also came to be very fond of her and for once my daughter gave a gold seal of approval to a woman I was dating. I met Suzanne’s sister and her husband and really enjoyed spending time with them and just talking about the state of the universe. Everything was going along real well and I had no complaints until the next round of chemo started and I became really sick.
I had filed for disability in February and was under the impression that it would take a long time to receive approval so I was content to continue working but when I became sick from the treatments my boss and my close frined Jim Coffey suggested that I take a break. Well I said I was ok and that if I felt that I could not continue I would admit it and we would do whatevert became necessary. In May this came to be and I could not do the things required of me on a day to day basis so I agreed to go and stay with my daughter while I was being treated. I of course believed this would only last a couple of weeks and I had no idea that it would be July before I was able to function again as a normal person.
Well I received my disability in March, which was a miracle and by May I was moved in with my daughter so I could be watched and made to take care of myself. In June My daughter and family went to Texas for their wedding (Alisha’s to Terry) and Suzanne came to stay so I would not be alone and to make sure that I took care of myself properly. Well this proved to be a blessing in that Suzanne and I were now able to explore the possibilty of moving in together and it worked!!!! Today we live in a nice 2 bedroom apartment in Cabot, AR and share our love with the family. I have begun to work online doing some small things and hope to grow a business from this. I miss the ministry and the guys but I plan to launch a prison ministry in January 2012 so I will be involved once again blessed being able to bring the Word of God to those who have been tossed aside by society. Just being involved again in something makes it all worth it and being able to care for Suzanne is a blessing as well. God has shown me that my life was not coming to a close, it was just starting and that the possibilities were indeed endless.
All in all I am happy today and the cancer is just another challenge. My faith and my trust in God has grown by leaps and bounds and I will be forever grateful for the blessings I have received. I know that one day this terrible disease will bring me down and maybe by then I will be tired and ready to go but until then I look forward to ALL that life has to offer. My biggest prayer for today? Why it’s to help all of you and I pray that my success may be an example to you so that you too can enjoy a “mundane” life just as I do everyday….
MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you and may you be blessed in All that YOU do!!!!
And by the way, there is NO such things as monsters. Not in the closet nor under the bed. They are only your human fears and its up to you to make them work in your favor!
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