Well here I am again and its been a long time. So many things have happened in the last year its been hard to keep up, hard to adjust and hard (sometimes) to understand. I have watched my daughter go through a divorce that was heart breaking and I have seen my grandson turn three which was uplifting. I have won and have lost some friends along the way and I have been both sad and elated at these things of life. I can say that my relationship with God has deepened and my love for those around me has grown. I have looked back on many things in this past year and can say that I am glad to have a lot of it behind me and have been blessed just to have been able to move on.
Today I am back at the half-way house where I started just two years ago and now I am on staff as the Mission Administrator, what a leap! Its a wonderful thing for me to see the guys get a fresh start and for me to be a part of it. A lot of these guys are good men and they deserve just as much of a chance as anyone you meet in any situation. I must admit though that we do have some fail and its normal in a sense but I do feel a personal loss and a sadness when I see them go out in the wrong way and I pray that they find happiness as they follow their own path.
It is in all of this that once again I have found myself in a new beginning, a new chapter in life if you will and a way to achieve some of the things I have only dreamed about in the past. You see, it was just six weeks or so ago that I was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and was told that there is small chance of beating it. It is odd sometimes ya know, when we find out something is really there that we seemed to already have known in some part of our mind, some part of our soul... Oh yes I was hurt, I almost cried when the doctor said it out loud but somehow a sense of peace came over me that I have never know before and I guess that is what one feels when the truth comes to light... This truth though, as it is does not hurt me or hinder me in any way I have yet found. I did feel sick most all summer and it was this sickness and pain that led me to the doctor in the first place but now it seems to be gone. I have no understanding as to why but I do know that about two weeks ago as I was smoking my first cigarette of the day I noticed that something felt very wrong or odd and it took me awhile to figure out just what it was....... I felt ok, I felt fine. The drugs that the doctor had prescribed, the ones that were making me ill and sleepy and useless had become a natural part of me and the side effects had moved on. I was, for the first time since the pain started last year feeling great! Yea this sounds damn odd but its true as true can be and its this feeling that has me believing that I have been allowed to start anew. Don't get me wrong here as I have no "bucket list" or bizarre motivation to strike out and see the world, but I do have a sense that I am starting a time in my life that is to be more important that any that has come before. I am in a battle that I will lose in the end but I am happy to see the things that matter more clearly now.
I have had a pretty good life and have shared the love of some wonderful people. I was once married to a beautiful woman and was blessed enough to have truly loved her during our time together. I am the father of a brilliant daughter that I know will go far in her life and will make me proud no matter what. I am a grandfather who loves his grandson more than anything and I know he will always remember me with love as well. I have been a friend to many and hope that I have touched the life of just one person along the way in a positive manner and have been able to help. I am and will always be a member of the Catholic faith and I am grateful that this will be with me for eternity as I fell in love with her so very long ago. And today, (as I mentioned above) I am the mentor of many that I hope to help as I fight my last fight and move to what I believe will be a fantastic existance beyond anything I have done before. So what do you say, is this a new beginning or what?
I know its not the end!!!
Gods peace to all of you and may all of your dreams come true!!!
Bill Karabinus
