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Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
My Personal Fight with Cancer, that Monster in the closet… Part 2
You know, a lot of us believe our lives to be mundane at best but in this day and age with all the social media and such we go through some type of change every day. People share ideas with us, include us in their private lives and supply us with information we never gave any thought to. I too believed my life to be uneventful and downright boring until that day back in January when I was told that I have pancreatic cancer and that my life would never be the same.
As I have stated before, my first thoughts were of my daughter and my grandson and how my death would affect them. What memories my grandson Jack would have of me, what impact have I really had on my daughter’s life. In-fact, there was a flood of thoughts that went through my mind that afternoon but when that rush of thoughts cleared and I realized that the lives of my family would go on no matter what I began to think of these really simple things….. What have “I” done? What have “I” truly accomplished? Have “I” left my mark on anyone or anything at all and would “I” be remembered? My idiotic mind first came up with the idea to have a really fantastic headstone placed on my grave, something that would be noticed by anyone who walked through the cemetery but hell, that even sounded ridiculous to me once the thought was completed!
This last year has been nothing but changes for me. When all of this started I was pretty much alone visiting with my daughter and grandson and working all the time. I really had no big responsibilities in my life and I had just begun as diretor of Firm Foundation Ministries. Oh I was busy and to my thinking at the time, happy so what more did I need except an answer to this cancer delima? Well God had other plans as He usually does and He began moving me in a diretion that would prove wonderful for me. Now don’t get me wrong here, I never said that living alone, working at the job you always wanted and pretty much feeling free were setbacks or a mundane existance. When you are living solo you can explore many new things and go places without the need to take anyone else’s needs or wants into account, hell you just do it! Well this was not going to be the direction I was headed nor was I going to do just what I damn well pleased, as I said, God had plans so in March He shuffled the deck and dealt me a new hand.
I had been friends with a lady here in Cabot for about a year interacting online and talking on the phone. I must say that yes, I was attracted to her from the start but just did not have the courage to act on it. Well in March of this year all that changed when we met for the first time…… Hmmmm, I had found someone to share my life with but how was I supposed to do this with the damn cancer haning over my head? Needless to say this worried me to death and I had no previous knowledge to fall back on for answers. It was then that I decided to simply turn this over to God and let Him point the way. I told Suzanne about the cancer and of course she was very concerned for both her and myself and what the future may hold or if there was even gioing to be a future. So we began to see each other on a regular basis and we enjoyed our time with one another. We ran around all over the place visiting here and there getting to know one another and meet each others family. Suzanne of course fell in love with my grandson Jack and I believe the feeling was indeed mutual. My daughter and her new husband Terry also came to be very fond of her and for once my daughter gave a gold seal of approval to a woman I was dating. I met Suzanne’s sister and her husband and really enjoyed spending time with them and just talking about the state of the universe. Everything was going along real well and I had no complaints until the next round of chemo started and I became really sick.
I had filed for disability in February and was under the impression that it would take a long time to receive approval so I was content to continue working but when I became sick from the treatments my boss and my close frined Jim Coffey suggested that I take a break. Well I said I was ok and that if I felt that I could not continue I would admit it and we would do whatevert became necessary. In May this came to be and I could not do the things required of me on a day to day basis so I agreed to go and stay with my daughter while I was being treated. I of course believed this would only last a couple of weeks and I had no idea that it would be July before I was able to function again as a normal person.
Well I received my disability in March, which was a miracle and by May I was moved in with my daughter so I could be watched and made to take care of myself. In June My daughter and family went to Texas for their wedding (Alisha’s to Terry) and Suzanne came to stay so I would not be alone and to make sure that I took care of myself properly. Well this proved to be a blessing in that Suzanne and I were now able to explore the possibilty of moving in together and it worked!!!! Today we live in a nice 2 bedroom apartment in Cabot, AR and share our love with the family. I have begun to work online doing some small things and hope to grow a business from this. I miss the ministry and the guys but I plan to launch a prison ministry in January 2012 so I will be involved once again blessed being able to bring the Word of God to those who have been tossed aside by society. Just being involved again in something makes it all worth it and being able to care for Suzanne is a blessing as well. God has shown me that my life was not coming to a close, it was just starting and that the possibilities were indeed endless.
All in all I am happy today and the cancer is just another challenge. My faith and my trust in God has grown by leaps and bounds and I will be forever grateful for the blessings I have received. I know that one day this terrible disease will bring me down and maybe by then I will be tired and ready to go but until then I look forward to ALL that life has to offer. My biggest prayer for today? Why it’s to help all of you and I pray that my success may be an example to you so that you too can enjoy a “mundane” life just as I do everyday….
MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you and may you be blessed in All that YOU do!!!!
And by the way, there is NO such things as monsters. Not in the closet nor under the bed. They are only your human fears and its up to you to make them work in your favor!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
My personal fight with cancer... Part I
I have been recently asked to share my experiences during the past year in my fight with pancreatic cancer and I must say first off that although I have had experience as a care giver to my mother who died of lung cancer I had no idea at all how to deal with what would be my own battle for life. When I was diagnosed I had been in the hospital for several days waiting for an answer to that big question of "what is that on the CT scan?" I must say that in my heart of hearts I knew that it would be cancer as it not only took my mother in 99' but my sister as well in 98'. My first concern of course was that of my daughter and my grandson but they have lives of their own and as she pointed out I must first take care of myself before I can care for someone else (oh how true).
The oncologist assigned to my case was a man that has an outstanding reputation in the circles of oncology and the surgeon that he brought in was the best in the state so I was well taken care of and was ready to listen to what would become my life's course for however long it lasted. A computer was wheeled into my room and my doctor, Dr. Issam Makhoul began to explain to me just what was taking place inside my body and what we could do about it. I was diagnosed with a common form of pancreatic cancer but what had taken place was that the tumor instead of being at the head of the pancreas was towards the tail and it had begun to wrap itself around various arteries and such that would indicate that surgery was NOT an option for me at the time. It was Stage 4 pancreatic cancer and it is considered terminal in 94% of all known cases, so I can say with all honesty that I was not really happy with this at all. I will never forget Dr. Makhoul's next words to me no matter how long I survive this difficulty, "what we are going to talk about today is going to change your entire life forever." Well in all ways possible his words have been true and I have gone through nothing but change since the day I walked out of UAMS and returned to me life as it was.
In my case surgery is not possible due to the growth of the tumor and it's encasement of my main arteries and if it were attempted it would cause my death by simply bleeding to death due to complications. I was told that chemo and radiation were my only choices and that it "might" shrink the tumor allowing for surgical removal in time if my body reacted to the treatment in a positive manner. So I at once set out to beat this invader by doing all that was recommended in my case. I went through 15 radiation treatments and a round of chemo that included my carrying an infusion pump around for 2 weeks. Well after 6 weeks of treatment and waiting we found that along with the side effects (I was terribly sick) the tumor had grown one full inch in diameter. Ok, I thought, this is great so what next? Well we took a 2 week break, circled the wagons and came up with a new plan that we hoped would make some kind of difference. I was taken off of the radiation treatments and was given a chemo cocktail made up of three different drugs which again included the infusion pump so away we went with the new process!!!! I was sick for over three weeks and there was no answer to this but after a new CT scan it showed that we had halted the growth of the tumor, my blood work came back fine so maybe, just maybe we had found the answer......
During these first few months of treatment for cancer I was told over and over by people that had come into my life that my oncology nurse would become my best friend and that I should depend on said nurse for all of the answers needed during my treatment for cancer. Well I for one agree and the importance of this should never be over shadowed by anything else. She is indeed your first line of communication in ALL matters pertaining to your treatment and to your life, or how you will be able to live it. For me, it was time for a major change because my nurse, Michele and I could not get along. The way I see it, I am in control of how my case should be handled and what meds I am willing to pump into my body no matter the opinions of anyone else. Michele could not see this so we had to part ways. Now I must say that Dr. Makhoul did try to accommodate me and I will be forever grateful but the problems between Michele and I grew to a personal level and had to be put to rest. I am now with Dr. Thomas Sneed at Arkansas Oncology and I could not be happier. The staff here does their very best to make sure that I am comfortable in everything, from decision making, to my meds, and to any care that I need at any stage of my treatment. It takes a bit longer to do the chemo sessions here but it is more than worth it. My last session lasted for 3 1/2 hours and I was not only fine with it but was a bit aggravated that it was time to go as I was watching a movie on my iPhone
Tomorrow I will share how the cancer has affected my personal life and how I have fared with it but most of all, before I go on with anything I have to say these few things.....
If you ever have to deal with cancer or any other life changing medical issues make sure you are comfortable with the people who are treating you. You must have the utmost trust and confidence in them and you must think clearly about your future and how it affects everyone around you. Things may well never be the same for me but they can be better and that my friends, is a lesson well learned.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Just feeling blessed......
I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in about a week or so. This cancer has some real setbacks but on those days that I feel really good so much stands out and I am forever grateful for my life.
As I look around the house at all of the wonderful decorations my beautiful Suzanne has made for us I cannot help feeling somewhat saddened that so much of the family has passed on. I so wish I could share my new family with my mother knowing that she would just love Suzanne and would love spending time with her over morning coffee. I wish I could talk with my grandfather and share with him the wonderful things that have now become a part of my life. I do know that I can do these things through simple prayer and I am grateful for that. And the knowledge that I will see them again one day fills me with love for God and all He makes possible.
My biggest prayer today though is for those that feel alone this holiday season and I pray that they might find comfort in the celebration of our Lords birth. I too, like so many others feel alone sometimes now that I am older and people have vanished from my life but I am thankful though and very grateful for this time the Lord has given me. I know it is really just a small thing but today, just being me is a blessing.......
Merry Christmas to all and may the Lord fill your lives with love this holiday season!!!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Big question for all of Christianity...
For most of my 52 years I have loved reading the Word of God. It's history and it's simple life lessons reach far beyond any "self help" book I have ever read. I have allowed it to guide my thinking and my purpose for many years now and I regret my youth having been away from the Church following my own desires allowing myself to be guided by whim and happenstance, but now those days are in the past and I am comfortable with my life now having made my peace with both God and man. I do though struggle at times here in the South where I have chosen to make my home. The South, or the "Bible Belt" as it has been called are predominantly Protestant and are so hard headed about the "Bible First" thing that they are blinded to the fact that the Church existed long before we had the "Bible" so, I ask you:
Does the Bible serve the Church, or does the Church serve the Bible?
Back after the resurrection they still relied on scripture found in the Torah, the first five books of the Bible OT. It was not until a couple of hundred years later that a "book" was put together citing the words of our Church fathers who were indeed inspired and compelled to give us the Word by the Holy Spirit. We must then understand that these were still written by mortal men who wrote with the only understandings they had from their culture at the time, not a "dictation from God." These men still believed that the earth was flat, that there were sea monsters, that certain forms of illness were signs of demonic spirits who ruled the souls of the infirm. The list goes on and on so we, the people of today must take all this into consideration when we examine Scripture, make and draw conclusions that define how we live our lives today.
Now, keeping all of this in mind we know that the Church did in-fact give us the Bible we know and use today thus letting us know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Bible indeed serves the Church giving us a "basic" blueprint for life not, an all knowing, unbend able set of rules we must adhere to or die.
The Bible is a wonderful book and truly the inspired Word of God and we must truly be thankful for it. We must not though discount the other writings of our Church fathers throwing them aside as non-biblical crappola. So my friends, all I say on this is that we must study ALL we can in order to live our lives by the example of those that came before us and we must never ignore what is being written and said today by men and women like John Paul II, Mother Theresa, Merton and so many others. Its all part of the journey and the wonder and beauty is there for all of us to enjoy and to enrich our lives with everyday!
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all!!!!!!
Does the Bible serve the Church, or does the Church serve the Bible?
Back after the resurrection they still relied on scripture found in the Torah, the first five books of the Bible OT. It was not until a couple of hundred years later that a "book" was put together citing the words of our Church fathers who were indeed inspired and compelled to give us the Word by the Holy Spirit. We must then understand that these were still written by mortal men who wrote with the only understandings they had from their culture at the time, not a "dictation from God." These men still believed that the earth was flat, that there were sea monsters, that certain forms of illness were signs of demonic spirits who ruled the souls of the infirm. The list goes on and on so we, the people of today must take all this into consideration when we examine Scripture, make and draw conclusions that define how we live our lives today.
Now, keeping all of this in mind we know that the Church did in-fact give us the Bible we know and use today thus letting us know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Bible indeed serves the Church giving us a "basic" blueprint for life not, an all knowing, unbend able set of rules we must adhere to or die.
The Bible is a wonderful book and truly the inspired Word of God and we must truly be thankful for it. We must not though discount the other writings of our Church fathers throwing them aside as non-biblical crappola. So my friends, all I say on this is that we must study ALL we can in order to live our lives by the example of those that came before us and we must never ignore what is being written and said today by men and women like John Paul II, Mother Theresa, Merton and so many others. Its all part of the journey and the wonder and beauty is there for all of us to enjoy and to enrich our lives with everyday!
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Well, 2011 is winding down.....
Well here we are going into December, finishing up 2011 and I have been reflecting on just what has taken place in my life this past year. We all know that January started this year off really bad for me with being very ill and then being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer before the second week of the new year was over. That was a pretty heavy smack in the mouth but I must say that I have bounced back pretty well. I did spend the first 8 months of the year receiving second rate treatment for my cancer from UAMS in Little Rock but at the time I knew nothing of my options or what other clinics and doctors were available to me. I knew nothing about being on full disability having lost any opportunity to further my plans career wise and knew nothing about having to use state funded medicaid for my insurance plan. Oh but I have learned so much along the way and now I am very happy with the direction my cancer treatment is going.
In June I finally lost all patience with my oncology nurse at UAMS after being told over and over again by advocacy partners that "my oncology nurse is the most important member of my team." Well my oncology nurse, Ms. Michelle Welch constantly belittled me with her condescending manner of communicagtion and her constant chip on the shoulder attitude and it was just too much to take. That coupled with the fact that it felt like I was just a bovine in the heard at a hospital the size of UAMS with no personalized care that I began to become depressed and was losing hope. It was just this that I brought up with my new primary care doctor here in Cabot and he, Dr. Dan Riner (great doctor) referred me to Arkansas Oncology and Dr. Thomas Sneed. Wow, what a difference, what a change!!!! The moment I walked into the office I felt at ease which is something I NEVER felt while at UAMS. The staff was smiling and happy, the nurses were very attentive to my needs and Dr. Sneed, well he was a total change from what I had become accustomed to I did not know what to say nor how to act. It took a couple of weeks to get my records moved to his office (another debacle by UAMS) but once he had everything he wasted no time in laying out a treatment plan and putting it into action. I had gone through radiation and through chemo treatments (twice on the chemo) while at UAMS and was nothing but ill from the start to the end every time but once I started with my new team I have to say that again I felt at ease which in turn eliminated most of the illness that I had associated with cancer treatment. I have begun my first round of chemo with the same drugs used and was really ill only one day during the first week after the treatment and that was mild compared to what I had gone through before. In-fact, my only complaint today is that I am having trouble regaining my desire to eat a full meal. I have been hovering around 165 - 170 pounds for the past few months and Dr. Sneed assures me that we can fix this with no problem at all with a drug that enhances my desire for food (no, not marijuana). So all in all I once again have real hope brought about by both my feeling of better health and the wonderful care that I am now receiving. Thank God for Dr. Riner and for Dr. Sneed as they have changed my life for the better!!!
Now as for the rest of the year, I have undergone a lot of changes here as well. Some for the better but some not and I guess that is simply part of life and must be dealt with in an honest and intelligent approach by self w/o any negative input from outside sources..... My daughter Alisha and her new husband Terry have moved to Indiana so that my daughter can finish school at Purdue and that I must say is a real plus for her but I sure do miss them and my grandson Jack and my fear of dying while they are away is very real indeed. This too is simply something I must deal with knowing that my child is making the most of her life and that her dreams are coming true, so what else could a father ask for. Ok, to be honest here I wish they were not so far away but oh well.....
In May I left my job at the homeless ministry and by July had moved from Little Rock to Cabot and I have to say that I love being here in Cabot and it has given me a true feeling of being "at home." I have tried to pursue part time work but my cancer treatment has pretty much put up a road block here at least for now so this is something else I must deal with. I have to say that I really do miss working everyday and it has left a hole in my life that has remained empty but again I must understand that this is necessary right now and that it is not the end. I may yet have the chance to work again and that in itself is something to work towards.
My family life has grown with the addition of my girlfriends grandchildren and that I must say has been a great blessing for both her and I. They are great kids and I look forward to having a wonderful holiday season watching them smile as they move towards Christmas day and the wonder it brings for children. I could not ask for more and I am happy to be a part of it. My girlfriend Suzanne has made a wonderful home for us here and has decorated our house to the max and I find myself looking forward to Christmas with the wonder of a child as I see the lights on the tree come on and figurines dancing in every corner of our living room. Yes, again I have to say that I am a truly blessed individual and I have a lot of hope for the future.
On the downside this year Suzanne's health has become a problem and she is going through some difficulties that leave us both sad but we are doing our best in finding the help she needs to have a healthy and happy holiday. She is a trooper though and as I said above has made a wonderful home for us and I love her with all of my heart.
So as 2011 comes to a close I have to say that I feel like a normal person with all the problems and joys that we all share on a daily basis. I remind myself everyday that there are many out there who are in need of the most fundamental things and that they are suffering beyond anything I have ever known. I pray for them everyday that they too might find their little place in the world to experience the day to trials we all face w/o the trials of being homeless and hungry.
May God Bless us and keep us this holiday season and may He keep us all under His loving care now and forever.....
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!!!!
Bill Karabinus
November 29, 2011
In June I finally lost all patience with my oncology nurse at UAMS after being told over and over again by advocacy partners that "my oncology nurse is the most important member of my team." Well my oncology nurse, Ms. Michelle Welch constantly belittled me with her condescending manner of communicagtion and her constant chip on the shoulder attitude and it was just too much to take. That coupled with the fact that it felt like I was just a bovine in the heard at a hospital the size of UAMS with no personalized care that I began to become depressed and was losing hope. It was just this that I brought up with my new primary care doctor here in Cabot and he, Dr. Dan Riner (great doctor) referred me to Arkansas Oncology and Dr. Thomas Sneed. Wow, what a difference, what a change!!!! The moment I walked into the office I felt at ease which is something I NEVER felt while at UAMS. The staff was smiling and happy, the nurses were very attentive to my needs and Dr. Sneed, well he was a total change from what I had become accustomed to I did not know what to say nor how to act. It took a couple of weeks to get my records moved to his office (another debacle by UAMS) but once he had everything he wasted no time in laying out a treatment plan and putting it into action. I had gone through radiation and through chemo treatments (twice on the chemo) while at UAMS and was nothing but ill from the start to the end every time but once I started with my new team I have to say that again I felt at ease which in turn eliminated most of the illness that I had associated with cancer treatment. I have begun my first round of chemo with the same drugs used and was really ill only one day during the first week after the treatment and that was mild compared to what I had gone through before. In-fact, my only complaint today is that I am having trouble regaining my desire to eat a full meal. I have been hovering around 165 - 170 pounds for the past few months and Dr. Sneed assures me that we can fix this with no problem at all with a drug that enhances my desire for food (no, not marijuana). So all in all I once again have real hope brought about by both my feeling of better health and the wonderful care that I am now receiving. Thank God for Dr. Riner and for Dr. Sneed as they have changed my life for the better!!!
Now as for the rest of the year, I have undergone a lot of changes here as well. Some for the better but some not and I guess that is simply part of life and must be dealt with in an honest and intelligent approach by self w/o any negative input from outside sources..... My daughter Alisha and her new husband Terry have moved to Indiana so that my daughter can finish school at Purdue and that I must say is a real plus for her but I sure do miss them and my grandson Jack and my fear of dying while they are away is very real indeed. This too is simply something I must deal with knowing that my child is making the most of her life and that her dreams are coming true, so what else could a father ask for. Ok, to be honest here I wish they were not so far away but oh well.....
In May I left my job at the homeless ministry and by July had moved from Little Rock to Cabot and I have to say that I love being here in Cabot and it has given me a true feeling of being "at home." I have tried to pursue part time work but my cancer treatment has pretty much put up a road block here at least for now so this is something else I must deal with. I have to say that I really do miss working everyday and it has left a hole in my life that has remained empty but again I must understand that this is necessary right now and that it is not the end. I may yet have the chance to work again and that in itself is something to work towards.
My family life has grown with the addition of my girlfriends grandchildren and that I must say has been a great blessing for both her and I. They are great kids and I look forward to having a wonderful holiday season watching them smile as they move towards Christmas day and the wonder it brings for children. I could not ask for more and I am happy to be a part of it. My girlfriend Suzanne has made a wonderful home for us here and has decorated our house to the max and I find myself looking forward to Christmas with the wonder of a child as I see the lights on the tree come on and figurines dancing in every corner of our living room. Yes, again I have to say that I am a truly blessed individual and I have a lot of hope for the future.
On the downside this year Suzanne's health has become a problem and she is going through some difficulties that leave us both sad but we are doing our best in finding the help she needs to have a healthy and happy holiday. She is a trooper though and as I said above has made a wonderful home for us and I love her with all of my heart.
So as 2011 comes to a close I have to say that I feel like a normal person with all the problems and joys that we all share on a daily basis. I remind myself everyday that there are many out there who are in need of the most fundamental things and that they are suffering beyond anything I have ever known. I pray for them everyday that they too might find their little place in the world to experience the day to trials we all face w/o the trials of being homeless and hungry.
May God Bless us and keep us this holiday season and may He keep us all under His loving care now and forever.....
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!!!!
Bill Karabinus
November 29, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
9/11 and Forgiveness...
All week I have been watching and remembering the attack on our country that took place 10 years ago today and I am both saddened at the event itself and my continuing attitude toward it. It seems I cannot forgive...
My Christian faith has taught me all of my life that I should forgive the transgressions of my enemies and I do, but I cannot seem to let this one go. What does the Lord think of my selfishness? How will I be punished for my transgression? I can honestly say that when I see people of the Muslim faith in my community I do not feel hatred toward them nor do I honestly hate anyone so where does this leave me? I seem so very small in my inability to forgive this great tragedy yet I see no answer.
In my 52 years I have seen so many things in so many different places. I have been hurt by those I love the most, I have been hurt by the very system I live by and I have seen acts committed by people I thought were beyond reproach, yet forgiveness has always been easy for me. I see us all as flawed, finite individuals who are capable of striking out at one another when we feel we have been wronged in one way or another. I have seen anger and violence and have been a part of it myself on more occasions than I care to admit but I have always forgiven and have received forgiveness in return. So, why in this instance can I not forgive? I do not have the answer to this today nor do I see an answer coming to me any time soon.
All I can ask today is forgiveness for this, another one of my personal wrongs and I pray that God answers my prayer.
Have a wonderful day my friends and may God bless us all...
My Christian faith has taught me all of my life that I should forgive the transgressions of my enemies and I do, but I cannot seem to let this one go. What does the Lord think of my selfishness? How will I be punished for my transgression? I can honestly say that when I see people of the Muslim faith in my community I do not feel hatred toward them nor do I honestly hate anyone so where does this leave me? I seem so very small in my inability to forgive this great tragedy yet I see no answer.
In my 52 years I have seen so many things in so many different places. I have been hurt by those I love the most, I have been hurt by the very system I live by and I have seen acts committed by people I thought were beyond reproach, yet forgiveness has always been easy for me. I see us all as flawed, finite individuals who are capable of striking out at one another when we feel we have been wronged in one way or another. I have seen anger and violence and have been a part of it myself on more occasions than I care to admit but I have always forgiven and have received forgiveness in return. So, why in this instance can I not forgive? I do not have the answer to this today nor do I see an answer coming to me any time soon.
All I can ask today is forgiveness for this, another one of my personal wrongs and I pray that God answers my prayer.
Have a wonderful day my friends and may God bless us all...
Friday, September 9, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Caring Bridge
You can also follow me on this site if you wish and again, I welcome you and any comments you wish to share.....
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/billkarabinus
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/billkarabinus
Friday, August 19, 2011
Taunted by Nothing.....
Well hello again, its been a long time!!
I moved to Cabot, AR in July after an amazing spring which opened many new doors for me and as always, closed a few as well. I am now in a relationship with the most beautiful woman I have ever known and I pray this relationship is blessed by all that is Holy. Her name is Suzanne and she is from here in Cabot where I believe I have found the peace I am looking for. I have a new home parish, St. Jude the Apostle in Jacksonville and I had the wonderful opportunity to spend an hour with my new pastor, Fr. Andy Smith yesterday and I must say that I have never been more relaxed. I spoke with him about my move here and the beginning of the new chapter in my life and he made some very powerful suggestions that I hope to put into action as time permits.
As you can guess, the cancer is still with me but I must say that its very quiet right now. I cannot say that I understand why but hey, who am I to argue with my own feelings? I did go through chemo again a couple of months ago and it was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me. It was about the third day after the treatment that I became very ill and truly believed it to be the damn end or very close to it. It took about a month to fully recover from this and I am very hesitant to go through it again although Suzanne is very worried that I am ignoring the issue and thus compounding the problem. In truth all I can say is that I am very afraid that if I go through this again I may not have the strength to bounce back and will begin a decline that may well take me beyond the veil which is not where I wish to go at this time!! Hang in there with me Suzanne my darling and I promise it will be ok!!
Well it seems that I am 100% retired now or at least for the moment. I did try going back to work with a friend but you know how these things turn out, they don't and it was short lived. I will though continue to pursue something part time as my illness allows but right now things don't look well. In-fact, there are many things in my life that are still closed off to me because of my past and sometimes it seems that the harder I try to overcome them the more they seem to taunt me. I have spent three years now "giving it time" and with this illness in my life it feels like time is something that I don't have. I cannot say that I feel really rushed to get things done but it is very frustrating now when I hit these brick walls that seem so impenetrable. I wish so badly that I could turn some things around but when I face this I understand that if things were changed I would not have the things in my life that are so dear to me now so I must continue to make the best of it and overcome the obstacles that I can and simply forget about the rest. Yea right, easier said than done!!!
Something else that has taken on a fresh new life is the story of my daughter Alisha. She did get her divorce and she has moved on but I can truly say that when she does something she does it well!!! She has since remarried and her husband Terry is as fine a man as you can come across these days. Alisha, Terry and Jack have moved to Indiana where Alisha is pursuing her masters and is now teaching as well. She is not only doing well but she is doing it at Purdue!!!! Now how can you get any better than that? Ha, you cant! My grandson Jack is growing up as well and I see a very fine young man coming into being and I have to say that as always, I am very impressed my his intelligence... He of course gets this from me and we all know this so NO wisecracks or dumbass grandpa jokes! Naw, all seems to be going real well for Alisha right now and she has launched her own literary magazine, "Revolution House" and you can find it on the web. Hell you might even want to send her a story or two and you can be sure that you are in good hands. After all, it is my child so she is of course a genius! Good luck to you Alisha and I know you will make the entire family proud in all that you do!!
Now as I close this entry out I must say thank you to my friend Jeff who, whether he knows it or not makes a big difference in my life. Its amazing how much it matters having a friend that you know you can turn to and will not let you down. Hang in there with me Jeff, I know its hard sometimes with my sarcastic attitude and my blabbering but in the end I know all will be well!!!! We do have to get together soon though one way or another as time may be indeed short and I wish our visit together to be under the very best of circumstances.
Well adios for now and may everyone enjoy every moment that life throws their way!
God bless!!!!
I moved to Cabot, AR in July after an amazing spring which opened many new doors for me and as always, closed a few as well. I am now in a relationship with the most beautiful woman I have ever known and I pray this relationship is blessed by all that is Holy. Her name is Suzanne and she is from here in Cabot where I believe I have found the peace I am looking for. I have a new home parish, St. Jude the Apostle in Jacksonville and I had the wonderful opportunity to spend an hour with my new pastor, Fr. Andy Smith yesterday and I must say that I have never been more relaxed. I spoke with him about my move here and the beginning of the new chapter in my life and he made some very powerful suggestions that I hope to put into action as time permits.
As you can guess, the cancer is still with me but I must say that its very quiet right now. I cannot say that I understand why but hey, who am I to argue with my own feelings? I did go through chemo again a couple of months ago and it was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me. It was about the third day after the treatment that I became very ill and truly believed it to be the damn end or very close to it. It took about a month to fully recover from this and I am very hesitant to go through it again although Suzanne is very worried that I am ignoring the issue and thus compounding the problem. In truth all I can say is that I am very afraid that if I go through this again I may not have the strength to bounce back and will begin a decline that may well take me beyond the veil which is not where I wish to go at this time!! Hang in there with me Suzanne my darling and I promise it will be ok!!
Well it seems that I am 100% retired now or at least for the moment. I did try going back to work with a friend but you know how these things turn out, they don't and it was short lived. I will though continue to pursue something part time as my illness allows but right now things don't look well. In-fact, there are many things in my life that are still closed off to me because of my past and sometimes it seems that the harder I try to overcome them the more they seem to taunt me. I have spent three years now "giving it time" and with this illness in my life it feels like time is something that I don't have. I cannot say that I feel really rushed to get things done but it is very frustrating now when I hit these brick walls that seem so impenetrable. I wish so badly that I could turn some things around but when I face this I understand that if things were changed I would not have the things in my life that are so dear to me now so I must continue to make the best of it and overcome the obstacles that I can and simply forget about the rest. Yea right, easier said than done!!!
Something else that has taken on a fresh new life is the story of my daughter Alisha. She did get her divorce and she has moved on but I can truly say that when she does something she does it well!!! She has since remarried and her husband Terry is as fine a man as you can come across these days. Alisha, Terry and Jack have moved to Indiana where Alisha is pursuing her masters and is now teaching as well. She is not only doing well but she is doing it at Purdue!!!! Now how can you get any better than that? Ha, you cant! My grandson Jack is growing up as well and I see a very fine young man coming into being and I have to say that as always, I am very impressed my his intelligence... He of course gets this from me and we all know this so NO wisecracks or dumbass grandpa jokes! Naw, all seems to be going real well for Alisha right now and she has launched her own literary magazine, "Revolution House" and you can find it on the web. Hell you might even want to send her a story or two and you can be sure that you are in good hands. After all, it is my child so she is of course a genius! Good luck to you Alisha and I know you will make the entire family proud in all that you do!!
Now as I close this entry out I must say thank you to my friend Jeff who, whether he knows it or not makes a big difference in my life. Its amazing how much it matters having a friend that you know you can turn to and will not let you down. Hang in there with me Jeff, I know its hard sometimes with my sarcastic attitude and my blabbering but in the end I know all will be well!!!! We do have to get together soon though one way or another as time may be indeed short and I wish our visit together to be under the very best of circumstances.
Well adios for now and may everyone enjoy every moment that life throws their way!
God bless!!!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A new beginning?
Well here I am again and its been a long time. So many things have happened in the last year its been hard to keep up, hard to adjust and hard (sometimes) to understand. I have watched my daughter go through a divorce that was heart breaking and I have seen my grandson turn three which was uplifting. I have won and have lost some friends along the way and I have been both sad and elated at these things of life. I can say that my relationship with God has deepened and my love for those around me has grown. I have looked back on many things in this past year and can say that I am glad to have a lot of it behind me and have been blessed just to have been able to move on.
Today I am back at the half-way house where I started just two years ago and now I am on staff as the Mission Administrator, what a leap! Its a wonderful thing for me to see the guys get a fresh start and for me to be a part of it. A lot of these guys are good men and they deserve just as much of a chance as anyone you meet in any situation. I must admit though that we do have some fail and its normal in a sense but I do feel a personal loss and a sadness when I see them go out in the wrong way and I pray that they find happiness as they follow their own path.
It is in all of this that once again I have found myself in a new beginning, a new chapter in life if you will and a way to achieve some of the things I have only dreamed about in the past. You see, it was just six weeks or so ago that I was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and was told that there is small chance of beating it. It is odd sometimes ya know, when we find out something is really there that we seemed to already have known in some part of our mind, some part of our soul... Oh yes I was hurt, I almost cried when the doctor said it out loud but somehow a sense of peace came over me that I have never know before and I guess that is what one feels when the truth comes to light... This truth though, as it is does not hurt me or hinder me in any way I have yet found. I did feel sick most all summer and it was this sickness and pain that led me to the doctor in the first place but now it seems to be gone. I have no understanding as to why but I do know that about two weeks ago as I was smoking my first cigarette of the day I noticed that something felt very wrong or odd and it took me awhile to figure out just what it was....... I felt ok, I felt fine. The drugs that the doctor had prescribed, the ones that were making me ill and sleepy and useless had become a natural part of me and the side effects had moved on. I was, for the first time since the pain started last year feeling great! Yea this sounds damn odd but its true as true can be and its this feeling that has me believing that I have been allowed to start anew. Don't get me wrong here as I have no "bucket list" or bizarre motivation to strike out and see the world, but I do have a sense that I am starting a time in my life that is to be more important that any that has come before. I am in a battle that I will lose in the end but I am happy to see the things that matter more clearly now.
I have had a pretty good life and have shared the love of some wonderful people. I was once married to a beautiful woman and was blessed enough to have truly loved her during our time together. I am the father of a brilliant daughter that I know will go far in her life and will make me proud no matter what. I am a grandfather who loves his grandson more than anything and I know he will always remember me with love as well. I have been a friend to many and hope that I have touched the life of just one person along the way in a positive manner and have been able to help. I am and will always be a member of the Catholic faith and I am grateful that this will be with me for eternity as I fell in love with her so very long ago. And today, (as I mentioned above) I am the mentor of many that I hope to help as I fight my last fight and move to what I believe will be a fantastic existance beyond anything I have done before. So what do you say, is this a new beginning or what?
I know its not the end!!!
Gods peace to all of you and may all of your dreams come true!!!
Bill Karabinus
Today I am back at the half-way house where I started just two years ago and now I am on staff as the Mission Administrator, what a leap! Its a wonderful thing for me to see the guys get a fresh start and for me to be a part of it. A lot of these guys are good men and they deserve just as much of a chance as anyone you meet in any situation. I must admit though that we do have some fail and its normal in a sense but I do feel a personal loss and a sadness when I see them go out in the wrong way and I pray that they find happiness as they follow their own path.
It is in all of this that once again I have found myself in a new beginning, a new chapter in life if you will and a way to achieve some of the things I have only dreamed about in the past. You see, it was just six weeks or so ago that I was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and was told that there is small chance of beating it. It is odd sometimes ya know, when we find out something is really there that we seemed to already have known in some part of our mind, some part of our soul... Oh yes I was hurt, I almost cried when the doctor said it out loud but somehow a sense of peace came over me that I have never know before and I guess that is what one feels when the truth comes to light... This truth though, as it is does not hurt me or hinder me in any way I have yet found. I did feel sick most all summer and it was this sickness and pain that led me to the doctor in the first place but now it seems to be gone. I have no understanding as to why but I do know that about two weeks ago as I was smoking my first cigarette of the day I noticed that something felt very wrong or odd and it took me awhile to figure out just what it was....... I felt ok, I felt fine. The drugs that the doctor had prescribed, the ones that were making me ill and sleepy and useless had become a natural part of me and the side effects had moved on. I was, for the first time since the pain started last year feeling great! Yea this sounds damn odd but its true as true can be and its this feeling that has me believing that I have been allowed to start anew. Don't get me wrong here as I have no "bucket list" or bizarre motivation to strike out and see the world, but I do have a sense that I am starting a time in my life that is to be more important that any that has come before. I am in a battle that I will lose in the end but I am happy to see the things that matter more clearly now.
I have had a pretty good life and have shared the love of some wonderful people. I was once married to a beautiful woman and was blessed enough to have truly loved her during our time together. I am the father of a brilliant daughter that I know will go far in her life and will make me proud no matter what. I am a grandfather who loves his grandson more than anything and I know he will always remember me with love as well. I have been a friend to many and hope that I have touched the life of just one person along the way in a positive manner and have been able to help. I am and will always be a member of the Catholic faith and I am grateful that this will be with me for eternity as I fell in love with her so very long ago. And today, (as I mentioned above) I am the mentor of many that I hope to help as I fight my last fight and move to what I believe will be a fantastic existance beyond anything I have done before. So what do you say, is this a new beginning or what?
I know its not the end!!!
Gods peace to all of you and may all of your dreams come true!!!
Bill Karabinus
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