I remember back in 1997
my mother came over to the house and dropped off some groceries (she was always
doing this) and told me that we needed to talk. After we had settled into a
couple of recliners she told me, “I saw the doctor today and was told that I
have lung cancer.” It was just like that, straight faced with no noticeable
despair nothing. Me I just kind of stared at her wondering just what the hell
she could possibly be talking about, CANCER? Who? After about a solid minute my
mind “kind of” adjusted to what she had just dropped on me and my first
question was, “ok, what do we do?” She told me that she planned on doing the
radiation/chemo thing and that it was going to be pretty bad but somehow we
would get through and there was really nothing that could be done about it at
this point anyways. Well that was my mother, a fighter and a friend. Well she
continued to work until February 1999 and she, after well over a year had to
lay it down and retire, she was 69 years old.
In February when she
retired she came to me and asked if I would move back to Little Rock, live in
their guesthouse and help take care of her. They would have to pay for it
anyways and she said she would rather have me than a stranger. So of course I
said yes (what the hell could I say) and put my business plans on hold and
moved back to Little Rock. Well saying yes to becoming a caregiver to someone
with cancer is no easy task but at the time I had not thought about it. And so
it went….. I did the grocery shopping, took her back and forth to the doctor
and simply took care of the house just like she would have no big deal
right?
Well it wasn’t, not at
first, but after about 30–45 days she started to become weaker by the day. She
would not eat and in-fact when she did it would only be Stouffer’s Lasagna. She
would drink her Boost to retain vitamins and such but you could tell that
weight loss was going to be an issue and it would be happening fast. By April we had to have a hospital bed brought
in so that she could sit up comfortably and still make an effort to feed
herself. She began to become very unsteady on her feet and needed help in
getting around, going to the bathroom and just navigating her own home. We got
a wheelchair and that helped some but she of course she could not maneuver it
herself so she had to be pushed around the house back and forth to the kitchen,
living room and bedroom. Each of which she could not stay in very long because
she would become fatigued. I had started a garden in the backyard, a yearly
ritual that had gone on for years and she loved to go outside and sit and just
look. She would point out things she wanted done and I would work while she
watched just enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. These are the best of my
memories of that time because she loved it so.
By July the 4th
holiday the family had decided to have a get together at the house so that we
could all enjoy a last time with us all together and my Aunt Sue (my mother’s sister) flew in from CA. We
ended up with about 25-30 people there and I sort of stayed in the background
just organizing things and watching. My mother enjoyed all the attention she
was getting and was just soaking it all up. I was very, very happy for her but
I could see the toll it was taking and how tired she was becoming. She did not eat dinner with us that evening as
she was tired but she did come out for the kids fireworks show and mother just
smiled, laughed and clapped her hands like a child herself. I believe that was
probably the best day she had had in many years and I too was overjoyed simply
at the sight of her happiness although by this time I was stressed from the day
and worried that she would end up in the hospital from all the excitement! Well
she did not and the next day she was just fine. She and Aunt Sue went out to
the old home place the next day with Sue pushing her around in the wheel chair.
The drove out to the house and looked around at all the changes that had taken
place over the years and at the neighborhood that had sprung up where my grandfather’s
farmland used to be. They went to the cemetery where the family is buried and
spent time sprucing up the graves. Again, she had a great time with me left
home alone worried to death. It was a very interesting experience for me that
day and a kind of a preview of would come about the following October….. I had
not been alone in a long, long time.
Well by the time that
week ended we were all tired and to top it off my stepfather decided that he
could not deal with it anymore and had me switch places with him. He moved into
the guest house and I moved into the spare bedroom in the main house. This room
came equipped with a baby monitor so I could hear mother during the night in
case she needed something so my role became a 24 hour a day caregiver. Now I
have to tell some truths here at this point because I am sure that by now you
have realized that my stepfather and I did not share a really close
relationship at all. Sometimes I could barely stand being in the same room with
him so when he bailed out at this stage of my mother’s life I was greatly
pissed off and there was no turning back….. But you know what? Life went on and I guess we
were actually better off. Don, the stepfather stopped coming home in the
evening and would stay at work until 10 or 11 o’clock at night and we never saw
him. He did though surprise me one day in late July by bringing in a lady from
Baptist Hospice to help out. Well I was all for it, a great idea! On the other
hand, mother was not… She DID NOT want a strange woman in her house washing
clothes, rummaging around in the cabinets, blah, blah, blah… We went through
about a half dozen women before we found one that would not get fed up and
quit. Oh my mother drove them and talked bad to them and just made their 4 hours
a day with us unbearable. So we did find a keeper and she was a great help to
me. She did the washing and kept mother bathed. Took her around the house and
just entertained her for the half day she was there. I too was happy because I
had some time to myself again where I could go out and get some personal things
done. It was pretty good. August 16th came along and mother turned
70 and we had a little party with just us and all was great but by the first of
September you could tell that mother had had just about enough. Her appetite
was gone and we had to start feeding her through a tube. She had to be catheterized
and was now bedridden 24/7. I too was nearing my wits end and found myself getting
mad over things that were simple before. The lady from hospice brought me a
book that would prove to be my most valuable tool in the end but at first I
rejected it simply because of the title; “My Mother is Dying.” I hated looking
at that book and thought it was full of crap. NONE of the things this book
described would ever happen to us so I found it useless. About three weeks
later I found this to be untrue. My mother started talking about people being
in the room with her and she went on and on about nothing. She paid no attention
to anything I said and would not eat at all or drink her Boost. One thing that did
get my attention though was that she kept pointing to the corner across the
room and she would smile and just rave about the beautiful woman and her
beautiful baby. It would take me a while to understand this but I was fascinated.
Well October arrived
and she was now completely out of it. She just laid there and I would come into
her room and sponge out her mouth every 30 minutes or so and make sure I pushed
the button on the medication machine. I
did not want her to suffer at all so we had oxygen and morphine set up going 24
hours a day and on the night/early morning of October 12th she
passed away. I had just been in there sponging out her mouth and it seemed as
though she was looking at me intently out of her one eye that was left working.
I went into the kitchen and made a sandwich and got a coke and prepared to
settle down in the living room to watch a movie. I felt a strange tug at my
heart so I went back in the room and she had gone. Well I just stood there a
moment not really thinking of anything, just looking at her. I then closed her
eyes and told her that I loved her and that I was so very proud of her, she had
fought the good fight and ran the great race. After they took her away to the funeral
home I just sat there and for the first time in my life I felt alone… It did
not last very long but the feeling was terrible. I would spend the next week or
so wandering around that empty house feeling very strange but finally the
thought occurred to me that the woman and the beautiful baby she kept seeing in
the corner across the room were the Blessed Virgin and the Child Jesus. I know
this to be true in my heart and nobody can ever take this from me. It was then
that I realized that I was not alone in that empty house, God was with me….
Being a caregiver and
experiencing death with someone is a very intimate thing. It is very difficult
but I would not change anything that happened back in 99’. This time in my life
I think, was for me the time when I learned about true love.
True unconditional love
May God bless you all
and may He bless our memories. They are a part of us and be them good or bad it
is what we are…
Bill K.
January 21, 2012
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